The First Annual Nerdbowl

Feature written by James Baughn on January 30, 2000

John Spladden: Hi, and welcome to the first annual Nerdbowl in sunny Silicon Valley. I'm your host John Spladden...

Bryant Dumbell: ...And I'm Bryant Dumbell. We're coming to you live from the Transmeta Dome to watch the battle between the North Carolina Mad Hatters and the Michigan Portalbacks as they compete for the coveted Linus Torvalds Trophy.

Spladden: This is shaping up to be one hell of a match. The Mad Hatters -- sponsored by Linux distributor Red Hat -- have been on fire the past month. But the Andover.Net sponsored Michigan Portalbacks are on a tear as well, thanks in part to the stellar performance of Rob "Taco Boy" Malda.

Dumbell: Taco Boy is quite a star, John. Last week at the Kernelbowl he blew away the Transmeta Secret Agents when he scored 51 points singlehandedly in the Flying CompactDiscus round.

Spladden: But then Mad Hatter's Alan Cox was voted this season's Most Valuable Hacker in the Eastern Division. So, this game is going to be quite a show.

Dumbell: That's right. If you're just tuning in, welcome to the First Annual Nerdbowl. This is the grand championship game in the Nerdleague, an event that's destined to become even more popular than the Superbowl...

Spladden: Super-what?

Dumbell: These two teams will compete against each other in four different preliminary events before going head-to-head in the Final Round. Over 5,000 people are watching this live ASCII broadcast worldwide.

Spladden: Before we introduce the starting lineup, it's time for a word from our sponsor...

Voiceover: We at Andover.Net, the World's Leader In Linux Portals(tm), would like to wish everybody a happy and safe Nerdbowl Sunday. For over 1 year Andover has been providing quality Linux news, opinion, and flamewars that live up to our acronym, All Nerds Depend On Very Erroneous Reporting(tm).

Dumbell: And now the starting players on coming out on to the field! For the Mad Hatters, it's Number 4 Alan Cox, followed by Number 42 Bernhard Rosenkraenzer... Here comes Number 32, Robert Young...

[snip]

Spladden: The Andover.Net Portalbacks are now taking the field... Look, here comes team captain Number 1 Rob Malda followed by Number 33 Jeff "Hemos" Bates. Here comes some fresh meat for the opposition -- ha ha -- it's Number 51 Patrick "scoop" Lentz.

Dumbell: Where's Jon Katz?

Spladden: He was attacked yesterday by an angry mob of irate people demanding refunds for the book "Geeks". Apparently the book didn't go over too well. Anyways, Katz was uninjured, but badly shaken, so he decided to abstain from participating today. Also, Robin Miller is currently stuck on the 101 Freeway because his limousine broke down... he's going to be a couple hours late.

Dumbell: Look out! Here comes Linus Torvalds himself to deliver the starting chug. The crowd is going wild... all 64 people in the stands are on their feet! Here we go... Linus is lifting up the Ceremonial Beer Can... he's flipping off the top...

Spladden: You can feel the excitement in the air! Wow!

Dumbell: ...And there he goes! Wow... he chugged that beer in only 1.4 seconds... Let's see Bill top that! What a remarkable display to kick off this grandest of all nerd sporting events.

Spladden: "Nerd sporting event"? Isn't that an oxymoron?

Dumbell: Linus is now waving to the crowd... Oops! He just belched.

Spladden: Even Barney Gumbel on the Simpsons would have trouble competing against that one.

Dumbell: With that done, it's time for the game to begin with Round One: The Flying CompactDiscus.

Spladden: That's right, Bryant. Each team member will hurl one CD-ROM and receive points for both the distance thrown and whether the disc is still readable afterwards.

Dumbell: First up is Mad Hatter's Alan Cox. He struts, he winds up, and there it goes! Look at the trajectory on that baby.

Spladden: That one is going to be hard to beat. Wait a minute! Eric S. Raymond, the head referree, is coming on to the field waving his arms wildly!

Dumbell: That can't be good. Let's take a look at the instant replay of Cox's throw... Uh oh. Look, John, he stepped over the line right when he made the throw.

Spladden: He's going to be penalized for that one.

Dumbell: Alright, now it's time for the Portalback's Anonymous Coward #521 to throw. This guy was voted as the best CompactDiscus thrower in the league by popular vote on Slashdot.

Spladden: Indeed, AnonCow has got some powerful muscles. No brain though. Did you know that he dropped out of college to join the Andover.Net team?

Dumbell: Yeah, what a tough decision to make. It's now becoming quite common for nerd superstars to ditch college and move to Silicon Valley and receive Big League stock options. Still, AnonCow was out for several games this season due to a Carpal Tunnel flareup. I hope he isn't squandering his millions... he might be forced to retire early.

Spladden: AnonCow is stepping up to the line... he squats... and lets it fly. Nice throw!

Dumbell: That one is going to Omaha!

Spladden: What is that supposed to mean?

Dumbell: It was a nice throw...

Spladden: Whoops... It's now time for another word from our sponsor.

Voiceover: 95% of "dot com" Superbowl commercials are produced by SuperMegaGeeWhizHyperMetaPublicRelations.Com. Is yours?

[snip]

Dumbell: Welcome back. After Round 1, the Mad Hatters are ahead 15 to 12. Round 2, the Caffeine Craziness event, is now underway.

Spladden: This is my favorite part of the Nerdbowl. Each player tries to consume as many gallons of caffeinated beverages within one minute, and then points are awarded based on the redness of their eyes.

Dumbell: I like this event too... I must admit, it's much better than the "Crash It" event that was played in the Zeroth Annual Nerdbowl last year. Players were each seated in front of a PC running Windows 98... points were awarded based on how fast the player could cause a Blue Screen.

Spladden: Ah, yes, I remember that. Everybody complained that the event was too easy. "Where the hell is the challenge?" yelled Chris DiBona while doing a victory dance after the VA Linux Rich Penguins beat the SuSE Cats In The Hats last year 121-96.

Dumbell: Whoa, with all this chatter we're missing out on the action... CowboyNeal is gulping down a Jolt at breakneck speed right now.

Spladden: "Breakneck" is right, Bryant. I didn't think a human could keep their neck tilted at such an angle for more than a few seconds.

Dumbell: 60 seconds is up! That's an unbelievable amount of caffeine to gulp down. Only Master Nerds can pull that off.

Spladden: Let's go in for a close-up. Now those are some red eyes! The judges will probably give him maximum points for that performance.

Dumbell: He'll definitely be wide-awake for the next rounds, although I don't even want to think about the headache he'll have tommorrow morning.

Spladden: Let's see how Eric Hackerson from the Mad Hatters does. This guy is another rising star that shows great potential.

Dumbell: That's right, John. A scout discovered him in a Slashdot discussion thread. He went from poor college student to billionaire code jockey overnight.

Spladden: Look at him go! He's really enjoying the cool, refreshing, pleasant taste of EyeOpener® brand Caffeine-In-A-Can(tm). That reminds me, it's time for another commercial break...

Voiceover: Having trouble staying awake for weeks at a time working on that latest hack? Worried that some young punk will take over your cushy job because you sleep too much? Don't worry, EyeOpener® brand cola is here to save the day. You'll never feel sleepy again when you drink EyeOpener®. Surgeon General's Warning: This product should only be used under a doctor's immediate supervision, as it contains more caffeine than 512 cases of Coca-Cola. Caution: When sleep does occur after about three weeks, optometrists recommend having someone on hand to close your eyelids. Coming soon: ExtremelyWired(tm) cola with 50% more sugar! May or may not meet FDA approval... we're still trying.

[snip]

Dumbell: What an exciting Round 2! Thanks to BOredAtWork's steller performance, the Portalbacks are up 43 to 37 against the Mad Hatters.

Spladden: Round 3 could be critical for these two teams.

Dumbell: Indeed. The Portalbacks have a slight advantage in Round 3, the Obstacle Course Round, due to their higher speed, but this game is still wide open.

Spladden: In this round, the players must travel through a cubicle farm and avoid the hordes of Lawyers and Microserfs that pop up and block the path.

Dumbell: It's always fun to watch this round, John. It's a shame that lawyers are not in season in California this time of year, however, or else this event could be much more exciting -- and bloodier.

Spladden: There's the starting buzzer... the two teams are off! Hemos quickly takes the lead... he turns the corner... and whoops! A lawyer tackles him from behind and starts punching him.

Dumbell: Now that's a subpoena he won't soon forget.

Spladden: Good one, Bryant. Taco Boy jumps up from behind and strangles the lawyer! What a great play... the judges will be very generous with points on that one.

Dumbell: Look out! The Mad Hatters are making their move... Alan Cox is far in the lead... a Microserf has popped up out of a cubicle... he's aiming a stack of four-color glossies at Cox's head! He shoots... he misses as Alan makes a dive and topples the Microserf.

Spladden: But wait! A team of ambulance chasers are in hot pursuit... Alan is in trouble! Here comes Bernhard Rosenkraenzer and Havoc Pennington!

Dumbell: Havoc grabs a lawyer and swings him around in a wide arc. Now that's what I call habeas corpus!

Spladden: Oh no... Scoop has been hit over the head with a briefcase by an attorney that came out of nowhere! That's gotta hurt. Now we know how that DeCSS hacker in Norway must have felt.

Dumbell: Look out, Taco Boy, there's a Microserf right in front of you. Wait... the Microserf is turning blue! Could it be?

Spladden: It is! He's suffering a Blue Screen! While he's rebooting, Taco Boy makes it safely past...

Dumbell: Robert Young has found a shortcut! He's racing towards the end of the obstacle course... All he needs to do is find away around despised Microserf Fred Mouth.

Spladden: This could be interesting... Young fakes left, then right, but Mouth is not easily confused. Wait a minute... Young just said, "Look behind you! It's Bill Gates!" Fred Mouth hesitates... Young breaks through! He's made it to the end!

Dumbell: Now this is exciting! The judges are awarding mondo points to the Mad Hatters!

Spladden: Now the Portalbacks are down by 23. It's going to be hard to overcome that shortfall with only 2 rounds left.

Dumbell: While the players assume the position for Round 4, the Who Wants To Be A Billionaire? Round, let's break to a commercial...

Voiceover: [Homer Simpson's voice] Need cash quick? Don't mess with a bank loan... just con a Venture Capitalist into forking billions over to your fly-by-night garage operation! We have the contacts at VentureD'oh.Com. VentureD'oh.Com: Helping People Buy Cars, One Rolls At A Time(tm).

Spladden: We're back. The players have assumed their positions and are ready to answer computer-related questions posed by referree Eric S. Raymond. Let's listen in...

Raymond: Okay, men, you know the rules... And now here's the first question: Who is the most respected, sexy, gifted, and talented spokesmen for the Open Source movement? [Bzzz] Taco Boy, you buzzed in first.

Rob Malda: The answer is me.

Raymond: No, you egomaniacal billionaire. Anybody else want to answer? [Bzzz] Yes, Alan Cox?

Alan Cox: Well, duh, the answer has to be Eric Raymond.

Raymond: Correct! That answer is worth 10 million points.

Rob Malda: Protest! Who wrote these questions?!?!

Raymond: Moving on... second question: Who is the primary author of the world-renowned fetchmail program? [Bzzz] Yes, Hemos?

Rosenkraenzer: Eric.

Raymond: Be more specific...

Rosenkraenzer: Mr. Eric Fetch of Cincinnati, Ohio.

Raymond: No, no, no! The answer is me, me, me, you idiots! Sheesh. I'm taking that 10 million points back.

Alan Cox: Are you going to ask any questions that are not about you?

Raymond: Um... let's see... yeah, there's one or two here... Okay, here's question three... What loud-mouthed hippie-spirtualist founder of the GNU Project keeps demanding that everybody use the crappy term "Free Software" instead of "Open Source"? [Bzzz] Yes, Anonymous Coward?

AnonCow: Eric Raymond!

Raymond: Why you little [expletive]! I'm going to...

Spladden: Whoa! Let's cut to commericial while this show is still suitable for children!

Voiceover: Forget Network Solutions, DotComDotCom.Com is the source for dot com domain names! Over 3 million registered... get yours today before every single domain with the word "Linux" in it is taken! DotComDotCom.Com: All The Good Ones Are Taken, Suckers(tm).

[snip]

Dumbell: Welcome back. Round 4 is now over... we get the distinct feeling that Eric S. Raymond won't be invited back for the next Nerdbowl.

Spladden: Indeed. Did you see the way he threatened the Anonymous Coward with that portable flamethrower? It's a good thing AnonCow always wears an asbestos suit.

Dumbell: You got that right. It's now time for the Final Round.

Spladden: This is it. The winners will bask in fame, fortune, and glory while the losers will be the butt of every joke posted on Humorix for the coming year.

Dumbell: I'm quite excited, and so are all 64 people in the stands.

Spladden: This has been quite a game, hasn't it Bryant? This final round should be no exception. In this event, the two teams must assemble a 16-node Beowulf cluster from scratch, install Linux on them, and then use the system to calculate pi to 1 million digits. This is the ultimate test for nerds... only people in the Big League should attempt something like this.

Dumbell: And there's the starting gun! The two teams are off...

Spladden: While that's underway, a very special visitor has just dropped by... James Baughn, webmaster for Humorix and founder of the Nerdleague.

Baughn: Hi, everybody. You might remember me from such fake news articles as Tuxissa and Google Chase.

Spladden: What possessed you to start the Nerdleague and the Nerdbowl?

Baughn: Simple, I needed cheap filler material for my Humorix site. A transcript between two sports announcers is easy to write. Besides, meta-humor is always an excellent ploy to get cheap laughs with little effort.

Dumbell: Who do you think is going to win this game?

Baughn: I haven't decided yet.

Dumbell: Umm, yeah. One more question... [beep beep beep]

Baughn: Oh, sorry, that's my beeper. Apparently the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit software on my webserver has just detected the possibility of a Slashdot Effect... I better run and check it out.

Spladden: Alright, that's James Baughn, everybody. Let's get back to the game... the Mad Hatters have taken the lead... they've got most of the machines assembled now.

Dumbell: Look at that! Instead of messing with screws, the Portalbacks are using duct tape to attach their motherboards to the cases! That should save some time.

[snip]

Spladden: You wouldn't happen to have one of those EyeOpener® brand colas would you? I'm getting sleepy. [Yawn]

Dumbell: I know, this game is getting really boring. Oh wait, are we still on the air? Uh oh...

Spladden: Aw, don't worry about it. Nobody is listening right now anyways.

[snip]

Dumbell: They've done it! The Mad Hatters have completed the Final Round in 2 hours, 15 minutes. That's one hell of a Beowulf cluster they produced... drool.

Spladden: They're probably going to sell the cluster on eBay next week. I'm sure it will be quite a collector's item.

Dumbell: The five people in the crowd still remaining are going wild! Alan Cox is doing a victory dance.

Spladden: With that, the Mad Hatters win the Nerdbowl 105 to 68! There's going to be some serious beer-drinking tonight back at the Red Hat offices.

Dumbell: Linus Torvalds has emerged from the sidelines to present his Linus Torvalds Trophy to the winners. What a glorious sight! This has definitely been the best Nerdbowl ever. I pity those people that have been watching the Superbowl instead.

Corporate Media Conglomerate HOWTO

Feature written by James Baughn on January 26, 2000

The world is scary place out there for you, the media executives, and the companies you serve. The big bad Internet threatens to allow every average joe out there to actually say something without your permission! How can you fight back? Well fortunately, the Recording and Movie Industries(tm) have already laid the groundwork for you to maintain your iron grip on freely available and widely adopted technology and information. Here's how:

Step 1: Sue Everybody in Sight!

Yes, I mean everybody. Sue Slashdot. Sue Humorix -- they've got a direct link to the DeCSS source code, those bastards! Sue that guy over there! It doesn't matter who you sue; it just has to be someone with a heartbeat. Did they at any time utter the letters "D", "V", or "D" in public at any points in the past? That's all you need for an injunction to silence them forever. It's that easy!

Get the judge to issue a court order banning a form of free speech or another from every website in the world. Jurisdiction issues? Not a problem at all. The Global Media (namely you) will report the injunction as though it were actually binding, regardless of whether the court in question even exists in this space time continuum. While nobody in the world could force someone located in another country to remove something from a website because of a law that only exists in the U.S., you can sure make the public believes it's not only possible, but that it already happened. This brings us naturally to Step 2.

Step 2: Propaganda Wars... For Dummies

Hey, you are the media, right? You can use your ill-gotten powers to crush all those who oppose you, regardless if the opposer is a rival advertising firm or a 16 year-old kid in Norway. Did he use to play computer games as a kid (or still does)? Hey, now you can call him a "hacker"! Pepper press releases with the word "illegal" (about 15,967 instances per press release should about do it, but you can never be sure... the sky's the limit).

Have your buddies over in the press room convey you as the "poor well-meaning corporation being held victim by terrorist organizations such as the LiViD group, et al". I mean, they deserve it, right? They didn't want to use an "approved" media player that you so generously gave to them, so they should pay the price for trying to do something about it. Who cares if their "Linux" thing can't play DVDs? Everybody knows (and if they don't, you'll be sure to tell them) that only evil hackers, terrorists, and anarchists use such underground software anyways.

It helps of course to completely ignore the arguments of your opponents. Don't let anyone think for a second that you're actually taking those little twerps seriously. Simply repeat your party line over and over again. Repetition is a hell of a lot more effective as a rhetoric technique than is logic, consistency, honesty, or even sanity!

Step 3: It Worked for Kevin...

Hey, did you know that you can actually employ the police to do the dirty work for you? Back in the bad old days, corporations had to hire thugs to keep the local populace at bay. Now, the police are more than happy to haul away to jail those who theoretically caused you trillions of dollars in damages by figuring out how your precious hardware works! And don't just stop at the perpetrators. Arrest their dad, their mom, the uncle, or their niece's nephew's former roommate. Arrest everyone with any sort of relationship to your enemies, because hey, you never can be too careful out there.

Step 4: Free Speech is for You, not Them

Defend your rights to the death by trampling on everyone else's. Civil liberties abuses and overachieving lawyers are just a couple of useful items in your legal toolbox. Make sure you employ every means to silence those who disagree with you. Force linking to a page on the web to be illegal! Get a judge who is more than sympathetic to your cause (Preferably you want one who works in a courthouse with a statue of a big bag of money in the lobby as opposed to that really lame statue of that blind-folded lady holding the balancing scales; I mean do you really want your opponents to fight back in a court that holds fairness above all other values? Yeah, right!).

Oh, and make sure you toss around the term "immediate incarceration" around at dinner parties. That will get them to shut up (hey it even worked for 2600.com so it should work for everybody!). Imagine the looks on their faces when FBI agents show up at their door to confiscate their equipment and haul them away to jail. It's enough to give any media executive a feeling of warm fuzzies. You can sleep easy knowing that your opponents are staying up until 4:00 AM every night working on their case because they can't afford the expensive lawyers you've got!

Step 5: Let's All Go to the Lobby and Get Ourselves a Stash!

A Congressman is the best investment you can make. Or better yet, buy several of them. The going rate for a veteran Senator is rather steep because of the booming economy, but the rewards you'll reap when the "It's For The Children & Movie Industry Act of 2000" is enacted into law will make it all worth it.

Lobbying (or as you should call it, Enlightening Your Representative) is the best tool you can use in the battle against your enemies. With a Senator or two in your pocket, you'll be on Easy Street when Congress passes a bill requiring a five day waiting period and background check for all DVD player purchases. Or a law that provides billions in "corporate welfare" for the beleagured American movie industry that's being victimized by the evil Norwegians and Finns.

And remember, this is what democracy is all about.

Conclusion

The world is a great place to be in if you're a media executive. Not only does the world come to you on a golden platter, but you can immediately destroy anyone who thinks that you deserve less! This guide will help you amass wealth that the robber barons of old would drool over. Use this advice willingly and overzealously; it's the only way to go.

Oh wait, you already are!

New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 22, 2000

The Linux bandwagon is rolling at full speed down Wall Street. In the last few months a huge wave of new Linux-oriented businesses have popped up hoping to cash in on the bandwagon. Some, like LinuxOne, have even less potential than Humorix does, while others, four of which we review in this article, could become The Next Big Thing(tm).

Adopt-a-Beowulf

Every geek dreams of owning their own Beowulf supercomputer. Very few people (except for dotcom billionnaires) can afford to build one, but the folks at Adopt-a-Beowulf can provide the next best thing: a virtual beowulf. For US$49.95, you can "adopt" your own 256-node Beowulf cluster. You won't own it, or even get to see it in person, but you will receive photos of the cluster, a monthly newsletter about its operation, and a limited shell account on it.

The company hopes to branch out into other fields. Some slated products include Adopt-A-Penguin, Lease-A-Camel (for Perl mongers), and Adopt-A-Distro (in which your name will be used as the code-name for a beta release of a major Linux distribution or other Open Source project).

Linux Collectibles

Don't throw out that old Red Hat Linux 3.0 CD. A group of entrepreneurs are hording vintage Linux items in the hopes that they will become hot collector's items in the coming decades. The venture, called "Money Grows On Binary Trees", hopes to amass a warehouse full of old Linux distributions, books, stuffed penguins, promotional material, and Linus Torvalds autographs.

"Nobody thought pieces of cardstock featuring baseball players would be worth anything... what fools!" the founder of Binary Trees said. "That 'Linux For Dummies' book sitting in your trash can could be the next Babe Ruth card."

The company organized a Linux Collectibles Convention last week in Silicon Valley, drawing in a respectable crowd of 1,500 people and 20 exhibitors. The big attraction was a "Windows For Dummies" book actually signed by Linus Torvalds. "He signed it back at a small Linux conference in '95," the owner explained. "He didn't realize it was a Dummies book because I had placed an O'Reilly cover on it... Somebody at the convention offered me $10,000 for it, but that seemed awfully low. I hope to sell it on eBay next month with a reserve price containing a significant number of zeros."

OpenEgo

In the Cathedral and the Bazaar, ESR mentions that one motivation behind Open Source software is ego-gratification. That's where OpenEgo, Inc. comes in. For a fee, the hackers at OpenEgo will produce a piece of Open Source software and distribute it in your name, thus building up your reputation and ego. You can quickly become the envy of all your friends -- without lifting a finger. Want a higher-paying tech job? With OpenEgo's services, you'll look like an Open Source pro in no time, and have dozens of hot job offers from across the country.

Says the OpenEgo sales literature, "Designing, implementing, maintaining, and promoting a successful Open Source project is a pain. However, at OpenEgo, we do all the work while you reap all the rewards..." A page on the OpenEgo site claims, "We produced a Linux kernel patch for one customer last year that was immediately accepted by Linus Torvalds... Within days the person gained employment at Transmeta and is now on the road to IPO riches..."

Prices range from US$1,000 for a small program to $5,000 for a significant kernel patch.

IPO Factory

The buzz surrounding Linux and Open Source during the past year has produced a large number of billionnaires. However, people who weren't employed by Red Hat or VA Linux, or who didn't receive The Letter, are still poor. The visionaries at The IPO Factory want to change all that.

As the name suggests, this company helps other businesses get off the ground, secure investments from Venture Capitalists, and eventually hold an IPO that exits the stratosphere. "You can think of us as meta-VCs," the IPO Factory's founder said. "You provide the idea... and we do the rest. If your company doesn't hold a successful IPO, you get your money back, guaranteed!" He added quickly, "Of course, if you do undergo a billion dollar IPO, we get to keep 25% of your stock."

Some of the services that the IPO Factory provides in their EZ-IPO(tm) Package include:

• Intensive public relations and shameless promotion. "We'll get your business plugged on Slashdot in no time," an IPO Factory salesperson boasted. "Or you could opt for the Transmeta Strategy and keep your product line top-secret while leaking rumors out to the press. We won't be able to hire Linus Torvalds for you, although we have several lookalikes available."

• Patent snatching. Patent attorneys will invent and file as many patents on your behalf as possible, and then sue any and every business they can. "There's nothing immoral about abusing the intellectual property laws... as long as you're the one doing it," says the company's chief litigator.

• IPO underwriting. The IPO Factory will file the necessary paperwork and bribes with the Securities & Exchange Commission. PR agents will infiltrate stock discussion boards and execute an Astroturf campaign promoting your company, even during the SEC-imposed "Quiet Period".

The company's first customer, LinuxOne, has been a failure. "From now on we're only going to service clients that actually have a viable product," an IPO Factory salesperson admitted. "Oh, and we've learned our lesson: it's not a good idea to cut-and-paste large sections from Red Hat's S-1 filing."

Linux World Domination: Not A Joke!

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 14, 2000

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CONSPIRACIES -- In an unprecedented move, the NSA (No Such Agency) has retracted its report describing Finland as a national security risk, going so far as to officially adopt Linux internally. Senator Fattecat (R-WA), who has been pushing for a ban on Finnish-produced software, said at a press conference today, "I don't trust the Finns or the NSA. It's obvious that the Finnish underground is now rooted within the highest Echelons of power in the NSA..."

One of Fattecat's staff members, Ms. Dee Septive, has published a 200-page report revealing "the Helsinkian Underground". According to this report, the Finnish world domination plot was hatched in 1843. Soon thereafter Switzerland, Sweden, Norway, and Denmark (holder of Greenland) secretly agreed to participate in the scheme, code-named "Cheese Danish". The southern tip of Greenland, Helsinki (Finland), and Berne (Switzerland) form the vertices of a triangle whose exact center falls on the British Isles... Is it any wonder that England no longer holds a world empire?

The Fattecat expose also describes Finland's recent scheme involving free software. "Linux, originally called Freix (FREIX Retrieves Electronic Intelligence X), is a scheme to infiltrate the Western world with a 'free' operating system with nasty backdoors hidden within its obfuscated source code. IRC (Intelligence Relaying Code) is another Finnish innovation designed for spying purposes."

Linus Torvalds plays a prominent role in the conspiracy. "That old story about Linus developing a Unix clone in his spare time while at University is a lark," the report states. "Torvalds is just a front for the hundreds of programmers in the Helsinkian Underground that have contributed to Linux. Indeed, the name Linux ("Line X") was coined because the kernel can extract any arbitrary line of intelligence from any document it has access to."

Transmeta's employment of Linus Torvalds also fits into the cover-up. In addition to being a front for illegal Finnback smuggling, Transmeta is busy working on a next-generation spy chip, code-named "Crusoe" ("Cryptic RUse to Spy On Everthing"), a vague reference to the plot to strand all world leaders on a Pacific island after the Helsinkian Underground's world domination plans come to fruition. Whatever Transmeta officially announces next week, it won't be the truth.

The report concludes, "We must take the Finnish threat seriously. Attempts to construct a New World Order cannot be tolerated -- unless the United States is the one doing it... The Scandinavian Scandal can be effectively dealt with by banning foreign-made software and sticking with good old American innovations like Microsoft Windows 2000..." A footnote at the bottom written in Flyspeck 3 says, "The fact that Senator Fattecat has received sizable campaign contributions from Microsoft is strictly a coincidence."

The conspiracy theory is backed up by US Representative I. B. Fersaille, also of Washington State. "It's obvious that the NSA has been subverted by the scheming Finnbacks. Suspicious banking activity in the past week by several high-ranking NSA henchmen leads me to believe that they've been bribed into choosing Linux over Windows. By coercing the NSA into adopting Linux, the Helsinkian Underground will have full access to all NSA databases via Linux backdoors. American-made Microsoft Windows -- which utilizes the vastly superior Security Through Obscurity paradigm -- does not suffer from these problems."

Senator Phil E. Buster (D-MN) disputes the conspiracy theory. "This is a load of [expletive]... Fattecat is a Microsoft shill elected only because Bill Gates personally bought one million votes for him (which at the going rate of $152 per vote was mere pocket change for Gates).

Just as this story was going to press, Fattecat rebutted, "Senator Buster represents Minnesota, a state with a large Scandinavian population. It's obvious that he's a part of the Finnish conspiracy. Don't listen to a word he says."

Brief History Of Linux (Part 1)

Feature written by James Baughn on January 11, 2000

January 5th marked an important date in the history of Linux, and nobody noticed. Nine years ago Linus Torvalds acquired his first x86 computer and soon started hacking on what was to become Linux. Unfortunately, this milestone in the history of computing has been largely forgotten. We here at Humorix would like to rectify this situation by presenting a multi-part condensed history of Linux and computing -- from prehistoric times to the modern age.

Re-Inventing the Wheel

Our journey through the history of Linux begins ca. 28000 B.C. when a large all-powerful company called MoogaSoft monopolized the wheel-making industry. As founder of the company, Billga Googagates (rumored to be the distant ancestor of contemporary monopolist Bill Gates) was the wealthiest man in the known world, owning several large rock huts, an extravagant collection of artwork (cave paintings), and a whole army of servants and soldiers.

MoogaSoft's unfair business practices were irritating, but users were unable to do anything about them, lest they be clubbed to death by MoogaSoft's army. Nevertheless, one small group of hobbyists finally got fed up and starting hacking their own wheels out of solid rock. Their spirit of cooperation led to better and better wheels that eventually outperformed MoogaSoft offerings.

MoogaSoft tried desperately to stop the hobbyists -- as shown by the Ooga! Document -- but failed. Ironically, Billga Googagates was killed shortly afterwards when one his own 900-pound wheels crushed him.

Hammurabi's Open-Source Code

Nothing of any significance occured until ca. 1750 B.C., when Hammurabi became king of Babylonia. Under his reign, a sophisticated legal code developed; Version 1, containing 282 clauses, was carved into a large rock column open to the public. However, the code contained several errors (Hammurabi must have been drunk), which numerous citizens demanded be fixed.

One particularly brave Babylonian submitted to the king's court a stack of cloth patches that, when affixed to the column, would cover up and correct the errors. With the king's approval, these patches were applied to the legal code; within a month a new corrected rock column (Version 2.0) was officially announced. While future kings never embraced this idea (who wanted to admit they made a mistake?), the concept of submitting patches to fix problems is now taken for granted in modern times.

Lawyers Unite

Humanity faced a tremendous setback ca. 1100 A.D., when the first law school was established in Bologna. Ironically, the free exchange of ideas at the law school spurred the law students to invent new ways (patents, trademarks, copyrights) to stifle the free exchange of ideas in other industries.

If, at some point in the future, you happen upon a time machine, we here at Humorix (and, indeed, the whole world) implore you to travel back to 1100, track down a law teacher called Irnerius, and prevent him from founding his school using whatever means necessary. Your contribution to humanity will truly make the world (in an alternate timeline) a better place.

Walls & Windows

Most people don't realize that many of the technological innovations taken for granted in the 20th Century date back centuries ago. The concept of a network "firewall", for instance, is a product of the Great Wall of China, a crude attempt to keep raging forest fires out of Chinese territory. It was soon discovered that the Wall also kept Asian intruders ("steppe kiddies") out, just as modern-day firewalls keep network intruders ("script kiddies") out.

Meanwhile, modern terminology for graphical user interfaces originated from Pre-Columbian peoples in Central and South America. These natives would drag-and-drop icons (sculptures of the gods) into vast pits of certain gooey substances during a ritual in which "mice" (musical instruments that made a strange clicking sound) were played to an eerie beat.

English Flame War

The idea behind Slashdot-style discussions is not new either; it dates back to London in 1699. A newspaper that regularly printed Letters To The Editor sparked a heated debate over the question, "When would the 18th Century actually begin, 1700 or 1701?" The controversy quickly became a matter of pride; learned aristocrats argued for the correct date, 1701, while others maintained that it was really 1700. Another sizable third of participants asked, "Who cares?"

Ordinarily such a trivial matter would have died down, except that one 1700er, fed up with the snobbest 1701 rhetoric of the educated class, tracked down one letter-writer and hurled a flaming log into his manor house in spite. The resulting fire was quickly doused, but the practice known as the "flame war" had been born. More flames were exchanged between other 1700ers and 1701ers for several days, until the Monarch sent out royal troops to end the flamage.

California Goldrush

Now we skip ahead to California in 1849, when the discovery of gold at Sutter's Mill set the stage for countless prospectors (Fortyniners) to travel West in the hopes to get-rich-quick by finding gold in them thar hills.

What's the connection with Linux, you ask? Well, the same thing happened exactly 150 years later, in 1999. The discovery of Venture Capital at Red Hat set the stage for countless investors (Ninetyniners) to travel West in the hopes to get-rich-quick by finding hot IPOs in them thar Linux companies.

The Rise of Geeks

The late 19th Century saw the rise and fall of "geeks", wild carnival performers who bit the heads off live chickens. This vocal minority, outcast from mainstream society, clamored for respect, but failed. Their de facto spokesman, Tom Splatz (distant relation to Humorix's Jon Splatz), tried to expose America to their plight in his 312-page book, "Geeks".

In the book Splatz documented the life of two Idahoan geeks with no social life as they made a meager living traveling the Pacific Northwest in circuses. While Splatz's masterpiece was a commercial failure, the book did set a world record for using the term "geek" a total of 6,143 times.

With that, we now come to the dawn of the 20th Century. Part 2 of this brief history will chronicle the development of computers and the invention of Unix -- two key components necessary for a certain Finnish student to create his own operating system and achieve world domination.

To be continued...

Alan Cox Releases Quantum Kernel

Fake News written by Dave Finton on January 9, 2000

A surprising development in the linux-kernel mailing list surfaced when Alan Cox announced the release of a 2.2 Linux kernel existing both as an official stable kernel and as a prepatch kernel. This immediately spurred the creation of two different realities (and hence two different Alan Coxes), where a kernel would not settle down to one or the other state until someone looked at it. However, since the kernel is an abstract organization of electrons existing only in hardware, no one has been able to observe the kernel, resulting in a lot of confusion and spilled beer on Linus's lap.

"I think this resulted from the large number of 'final' prepatch kernels prior to the 2.2.14 release," said David Miller, kernel networking guru and gas station attendent (he'll settle down to one or the other state when someone looks at him, which may be impossible to do since no one has seen him emerge from his basement since the War of 1812). "The Universe, thinking that the whole thing was starting to get a bit silly, decided to throw its hands up in the air and give up on figuring out when we'll get a new stable kernel."

Stephen Hawking, noted scientist, became disturbed to discover that he existed both as a brilliant physicist and as a fictional character on The Simpsons. He was working on manipulating subatomic particles in 11-dimensional space using a spatula and three pints of beer when reality as we know it split in two, causing him to yell "Doh!" in surprise. "I'm currently working on the problem by telepathically reading the kernel source from the FTP site... wait a minute, what is this error? I didn't ask for a mirror!" After several minutes, Hawking's speech synthesizer was heard muttering "sched.c... int fork... what is this? A 'goto'? Shame, shame..."

Nitrozac, talented creater of the After Y2K comic strip, became enraged to discover this development. "What? Dave Finton stole my idea about alternate universes just so he could write a cheesy humor article? That does it! I'm sending the Techno-Talking Babes(tm) over to his place to kick some ass!" Dave Finton responded by issuing a press release on the Humorix website containing only the word "WOOHOO!!!"

When word of this development spread to Microsoft, Bill Gates was extremely delighted. The Redmond, WA campus has been plagued with quantum fluctuations ever since the inception of Windows 2000 back in 1992. "Our release date has been existing in infinitely many states since the very beginning," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "This just shows the Linux operating system cannot scale to multiple realities as well as our flagship operating system."

Alan Greenspan commented to reporters "Everything that has transpired here has done so according to my design," and cackled evilly. The Dow Jones Industrial hit an all-time high of 30,000.

Is Linux A Finnish Conspiracy?

Fake News written by James Baughn on January 8, 2000

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- According to a report recently issued by the NSA (No Such Agency), Finland is now considered a national economic and security risk. "We don't trust the Finns... software written by these people could potentially contain backdoors that could undermine domestic security," the report states. In response to the news, US Senator Fatcatte (R-WA) has proposed a bill, the It's For The Children Act of 2000, that would ban all software written by native-born Finns.

"It's time we take the Finnish threat seriously," Fatcatte said at a press conference. "Not only is Finn software a threat to domestic tranquility, but it could radically alter the computer industry, costing us thousands of jobs... and, more importantly, billions in tax revenue. We must prevent the Finns from subverting our economy with so-called 'open-source software'." He then asked, "Is anybody thinking of the children of programmers who will become unemployed when Finnish software overruns the country?"

The bill bears a striking resemblance to China's rumored efforts to protect domestic software ("Red Flag Linux") by banning Windows 2000. Combine this with the fact that Sen. Fatcatte from Washington State has received numerous campaign contributions from a certain Redmond-based corporation, and it doesn't take long to draw up a conclusion. "Microsoft conspiracy nuts are going to have a field day with this one," commented Lobb E. Isst, Humorix's Government Affairs Liason.

Microsoft and Sen. Fatcatte deny that the proposed legislation is targeted at Linux or Open Source software. "This is to protect the children and the American Dream, nothing more," a Fatcatte spokesman said. Nevertheless, most people aren't buying that argument. "I can't believe I'm hearing this," yelled one Linux zealot. "Microserfs are the real threat to our national security and economy. The US government needs to ban Windows 2000..." He added wryly, "It's the only way to protect the children."

Linus Torvalds, Red Hat, and VA Linux were all unavailable for comment at press time. Futures prices on Red Hat and VA Linux stock were both down 50% in after-hours trading.

Dave Finton, Disappointed by Y2K Non-Event, Attempts to Conquer Wisconsin Anyways

Fake News written by Dave Finton on January 3, 2000

Dave Finton, intrepid Humorix writer (at least when he's not lazy, which is never) became enraged when he discovered that the Y2K crisis, as it was called back in 1856, failed to collapse civilization as we know it. "I invested 20 dollars in bread, ammunition, and a movie theater ticket to go see 'Galaxy Quest', and look!" cried Dave as he brandished the plastic Darth Maul style light sabre he won after eating 4,670 Taco Bell burritos in a promotional contest. "The lights are still on and L.A. hasn't burned to the ground! What a crock!!"

Dave, ever possessed with the entreprenuerial spirit, decided that his goal of becoming the undisputed despot of northern Wisconsin should not be hampered by a major disaster such as the continuation of society as we know it. He set out to the Great Cheese State to set into motion his plans of global (or at least a small portion thereof) conquest.

John, a person who refers to himself as a friend of Dave's whenever Dave has money, commented "Yeah, I bummed him a ride. Cripes I wish he'd get a car! He even tried to get out of paying for gas, the cheap bastard!"

Dave went door to door, informing the general population that he was now in fact their new leader and demanded that they pay tribute to him. One resident who went by the name "Hey You! Get Off My Lawn!" said to reporters "I just looked at the guy funny and told him that he was in Ontario, not Wisconsin." "Hey You!" then punctuated his point with an emphatic "Eh".

"That's what he gets for trying to pay for the ride with old burrito wrappers with pictures of George Washington scrawled on them," said John in response to this. "Geez, I would have at least drawn Benjamin Franklin on them. Some undisputed despot he is!" Shares of Taco Bell were down 2 points on Wall Street and up 1-1/2 points in Bob's Stock Emporium after news of this hit the wires.

Reactions in the world-wide community were mixed. Comments ranged from "What the hell?" to "What the hell?" with every kind of opinion in between. Alan Greenspan commented, "What the hell?", causing the Dow to drop 51 points within 3 minutes. However, we at Humorix discovered that Greenspan's comment was actually referring to LinuxOne's IPO plans.

"Welp, back to Square One," said Dave. "I guess I'll have to wait until the Y10K problem comes around before I try this again. And now I'll have to figure out what to do with this third arm growing out of my forehead... I guess eating all those burritos wasn't such a good idea after all."

Microsoft Warns Of Y2.001K Problem

Fake News written by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on January 3, 2000

REDMOND, WA -- Bill Gates, the World's Richest Man(tm), boasted today "I told you so!" at a press conference about his prediction that a Y2K-induced collapse of civilization would not occur. While several million Windows-based PCs did crash during the first minute of January 1st, 19100, Bill Gates stated that it was "entirely coincidental" and "had absolutely nothing to do with Y2K". "However," Chairman Gates warned, "now that we've weathered Y2K, we need to focus on Y2.001K, which could be a much larger problem."

Microsoft spokesperson L. I. Arr explained, "Computers might have serious problems getting into Y2.001K. Due to the algorighms used to calculate the next year, the system clock might just go back from 12/31/00 to 01/01/00, because 00 multiplied by anything is still 00. At the time some of our innovative software solutions were written (such as Windows 98), we predicted that 99.9% of the population would have already upgraded to Windows 2000 by the time Y2.001 rolled around. In order to keep on track, we need to warn people about the dangers of Y2.001K-related failures in the hopes they will upgrade to Windows 2000."

Big companies and governmental institutions have already started paying Microsoft to check their systems for Y2.001K compliance. In addition, Microsoft Marketing (http://www.fud.microsoft.com/) issued a press release warning that Unix, BeOS, and Macintosh systems might be affected by Y2.001K and recommended that users of those platforms upgrade to Windows 2000 when it arrives in February (maybe).

Welcome to 19100!

Fake News written by James Baughn CCXXIX on January 1, 19100

We here at Humorix would like to be the first to welcome you into the 192nd Century. Contrary to public opinion, the universe did not end, the United Planets of Humorixia didn't collapse, and Benevolent Dictator Linus Torvalds CCIX didn't suffer a nano-breakdown. Remember, Linux kernel 152.2.12 and the Z Quad-Dimensional Windowing System Z52R4.1 are both fully 4096-bit capable and can correctly handle dates for the next googleplex.

Below we've compiled several first-of-the-century quickies from around the Uni-Net.

Where's My Asbestos Suit?

We received several flame nano-mails yesterday about our statement that January 1st (or Raymondia 1st, for both regular readers in the Libertarian III solar system) is the first days of the 192nd Century. Apparently everybody is forgetting about Vice Benevolent Dictator Jon Splatz IV, who in 2199 decreed that the 22nd Century would only contain 99 years. So there.

Transmeta Officially Announces First Product

Transmeta (known for their slogan, "This Slogan Is Not Here Yet(tm)"), long a running-gag on Humorix for their delays in releasing their Crusoe processor, finally announced Crusoe 1.0 yesterday at a press conference on the Transmeta homeworld. The device, however, is not a revolutionary breakthrough, but instead a replica of the vintage Intel Pentium IV chip (of which only two original ones are known to exist).

Said Transmeta President Paul Allen CIX, "Antique computer parts are a hot item right now. The BeanieFurbyPokemon Crazy of 19098 has been replaced with a feeding frenzy on vintage electronics by collectors throughout the Humorixia Meritocracy. Transmeta hopes to meet this demand with a authentic working replica of Intel's infamous Pentium IV chip for only 0.95 megadollars. Be the first on your planet to own this piece of history!"

Transmeta stock rose 503% on the NeoNasdaq Stock Exchange with record volume.

My Galactic Kingdom For A Domain!

The Twentieth Borg War took a humorous twist last week when Microsoft failed to pay its diennial registration fees with Uni-Net Solutions for the top-level microsoft.galaxy domain. Several trillion Microserfs were without Uni-Net access until Humorixia Citizen Eric B. Stallman donated 35 megadollars to pick up the tab.

The domain mixup caused quite a bit of confusion in the Microsoft High Command, allowing the UPH to easily capture strategic planets in New Gatesia III, Redmond II, and Windows IIC. The new offensive gains open up the possibility for a classic pincher-attack, much like was used in the historic victory of Humorixia against Microsoft Nation back on Earth in the Zeroth Borg War (1999-2000).

Historians Locate Priceless slashdot.org.classic Archive

The Chief Archiver for the Humorixia Museum in New Splatzangrad stumbled onto a priceless relic: an old hard drive from the 20th Century containing a browser cache filled with old websites like the original Slashdot and LinuxToday. "I found the drive at a yard sale on Bero I," the Archiver told Humorix. "The owner, a senile 500-year-old man, didn't realize what he had."

The contents of the hard drive (a Seagate 6.4 gigabyte model) have been uploaded to the Museum's netsite. In addition to the historic browser cache, the drive also contains a copy of the Linux 2.2.0 kernel (the only known copy in the Universe). Historians are hailing this find as the best one since 18523, when Bob Werner XXXI found a vintage Red Hat Linux 5.2 CD-ROM while digging through an abandoned landfill on Old Earth.

Another Boring Day Of Politics

Nothing much took place on the Grand Message Board this week except for a debate about the Bigbrother III solar system. The totalitarian governemnt of Bigbrother recently imposed new restrictions on encryption software and Uni-Net browsers, in addition to strengthening their already draconian censorship laws. Obviously, such blatant violations of human rights cannot be tolerated by the Humorixia Meritocracy, but nobody knows what to do about it.

One person said on the Grand Message Board, "Maybe we should distribute a nano-virus that causes Bigbrother government computers to get bloated, slow to a crawl, and become unstable." An Anonymous Coward replied, "What? Microsoft has already tried that. Besides, distributing viruses conflicts with the Humorixia General Social License 10.2."

More discussion (and hopefully voting) will take place next week after everybody's hangover from New Year's Day wears off.

Pundit Finally Acknowledges Linux

Fred Berst, a descendant of 20th Century pundits Jesse Berst and Fred Moody, finally admitted that Microsoft Windows is not the best operating system in the Universe. Meanwhile, reports indicate that genetically engineered pigs are flying over singing fat ladies in a snow-covered Hell (third planet of Satan IV system).

In his weekly column on Ziff-Davis MegaPortal, Fred Berst said, "Okay, I admit it. Linux doesn't suck as much as I, and all of my ancestors, have let on. An operating system that has formed the backbone of a Meritocracy spanning 75% of the explored universe can't be that bad."

Jesse Berst, known throughout history as the "Can you get fired for choosing Linux?" idiot, and Fred Moody, a clueless Microsoft groupie, are both rolling in their graves.

New Linux Development Kernel Version 152.3.512 Announced

Linus Torvalds CCIX sent word out to the linux-kernel list that a new development kernel was ready for hacking. "Forget your New Year's Day parties and start hacking on the latest, greatest Linux version since 152.3.511. Remember, this kernel is still a part of the venerable It Works For Me(tm) tree and should only be touched by hard-core Linux longhairs."

New features in 152.3.512 include enhanced drivers for the VA Linux Time Travel Machine 2.0 and a 4.2% increase in fuel efficiency for Linux-based hyperspace engines. The full source is 194 terabytes and should be available at the usual tachyonFTP sites by the time you read this.